I can’t believe we completed the milestone of not seeing each other for 5 years. It’s strange and I don’t feel that you are not around, in fact, I feel your energy around me. It got me thinking what are the things that send me your energy and I realized, I am always looking for opportunities to practice your favorite hobbies. I can see myself inculcating the habits that you had, especially gardening, making beautiful objects from scrap, making sure the expenses tally organizing things and re-organizing things. Sometimes I do something or speak your “typical phrases and words” and smile to myself, thinking about you.
There would hardly be 5 days of not getting a mail from Papa. This is back during college days when calling was super expensive and I still remember waiting in the line at the telephone booth near my hostel for an international call. The call would connect and the bill would start from 20 Rs. Before I could talk for a minute with each one, I could see the amount increasing to 75 Rs. Thus, my usual mode of communication back home would be via email. The email by Popsy could be the shortest saying “How are you, we are fine here”, but it would always be there when I opened my inbox. I still have all the emails and I love reading them whenever I miss him more. I frequently read his messages too, and smile how most of the conversations included “I am picking you up at 6 or when do you get done from work and we will pick you up accordingly”. I remember him sending me a note by APJ Abdul Kalam which said:
This message will always stay with me as I exactly know how it feels if someone close to you is no more and all of it happens very unexpectedly. For us, it happened in seconds, it was very difficult and hard because I saw him till his last moment, and him disappear after his last rites. Time doesn’t heal when you have seen your favorites leave you. The void always stays forever.
A few ways I handle my grief, of not seeing him, not being able to talk with him is I read his emails, messages, look at his video, and smile at his actions. The next is definitely writing, which helps me pin down how I feel, and I have been doing that since 14th January 2017.
All this helps but by the end 5-year equals 1826 days of not seeing him, not being able to share my experiences, not being able to get his scolding on doing certain things, esp on coming home late, not being able to plan trips with him, not being able to help him, not being able to play badminton, and our favorite Ludo, I really miss him. When I write this, I think how I could be the one instead of Popsy that morning when he just went out for his normal morning walk and never came back home. Thus, maintaining a balance in life is super important, which Popsy did so well. I can’t be grateful that I got to spend so much time with my Popsy after my college days. I along with Surbhi cherish being daughters of this gem of a person.
Paradiso 